A friend posed this question to me recently.
Is it still possible for a person to hide any longer? I know this lady’s story, at least in part, and I understand who she is hiding from and why. I’ll call her Jane.
Her ex-husband is extremely tech-savvy and wealthy, and he seems to have friends in some very high places based on what he managed to do to her life. Ever hear “Good bye, Earl” by the Dixie Chicks? When I hear “Earl walked right through that restraining order” I think of Jane. Sadly, the law is not always effective and abusers have an uncanny ability for making it work to their own advantage. He used the courts to essentially destroy her life and reputation.
The thought of him finding her is a source of terror for this woman. She stays off the internet for the most part, says no when people ask “Can I post your picture on our website?” and generally does a good job of staying off the radar. She has changed her name, but she’s not prepared to go so far as to get plastic surgery and change her appearance, even if she could afford it. She admits that it’s not perfect. She knows he can still find her if he really wanted to, but she does what she can to keep her personal information away from him. (In fact, as @deannawrites pointed out to me on Twitter, even legal name changes can be searched online.)
Here’s the problem – Jane has developed a pretty neat business idea and she wants to promote it. She’s a pretty smart lady, and she deserves to get a bit of fame and fortune. Keeping off the radar wreaks havoc with one’s earning ability, and she’s fed up with poverty. She has lost touch with family members and she wants to find them again – some of them, at least. And, basically, she’s lonely, and tired of being cut off from an increasingly public world. She’s in her late thirties.
I sat down with her and tried to set up a Facebook page. The minute she saw the questions about high school and work experience, she stopped the entire thing. She said, “I can’t put my real high school, and people would know immediately if I made one up. How am I supposed to answer that?” I told her “But people can only read your information if you let them.” We scrolled through a number of profiles and she said, “But they would see my name, with a picture, without my permission. That’s what the site says – use a real picture of yourself. And what if he uses someone else’s profile to read my information?” She looked at Twitter and then gave me one of those “You have GOT to be kidding” looks. Ok, so you won’t be seeing Jane on Twitter.
So there is my question, and I’m hoping to hear some great ideas from readers. Just how long is a victim of abuse expected to remain in hiding? That is, by the way, the advice given to these women when they go to women’s shelters. Keep a low profile, move to a different city, don’t have any contact with him at all, stay off the radar. It’s all great advice, in the short term, but it makes for a lifetime of looking over one’s shoulder and being scared to be seen in public. If an abuser aims to create terror in the victim, does this not continue the abuse? It would be geat to think that the abusers will eventually go away, but that is unrealistic.
Now, I’ll admit to a small bit of paranoia myself. Do I really want that creepy ex-boyfriend from high school knowing just how to find me, for instance? Do I want pictures of myself and my kids floating around on the internet?
So there’s my question. There are people who are hiding for very good reasons. In generations past, it was quite possible for them to move to another town, province, or perhaps even country, and then reinvent themselves. Unless they managed to get themselves on the cover of a national newspaper, it was unlikely that their past would ever find them. They could marry, build prosperous businessess or careers, and live a full life. But now, we live in a world where Twitter asks “What are you doing?” and Brightkite asks “Where are you?” Facebook and other sites ask “Where did you go to high school?” so that they can match you up with other people from that school. If you don’t have profiles on at least one of these sites, you’re seen as a bit odd.
Is it possible for a person to hide today while still participating in today’s world?
